Friday, October 23, 2009

Gloom, Dispair, and Agony on Me

Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me

Do you know this song? I grew up with this song on Hee Haw. Hee Haw is a part of my childhood. When we were home visiting this summer, Hee Haw was on at my parents' home. It has to be a least 20 years since I last saw this show, but I knew every song they sang. On numerous episodes. And I still think that Roy Clark looks an awful lot like my Aunt DJ.

Anyways, this song has been running through my mind lately. Not the part about bad luck, but the part about gloom and despair. There is something about sickness that is passed through multiple kids, and then recycled, that really starts to get to me. Especially when I don't leave the house for days on end, see another adult other than hubby, and have an adult conversation that does not center entirely on the state of health of the people residing in my house. It also doesn't help when I haven't had a good night sleep for days. And it is only the middle of October. It is a long way to summer time.

This gloom and despair has brought about a wave of homesickness. I have been thinking fondly of, and longing for our house back home. We built it and I loved that house. The house we have now is fine. Nothing special about it. It is just fine. When I was a kid, my mom would ask my dad how she looked and he would say she looked "Fine". This made my mom so mad. Now I know what fine means. It means it will do; nothing special, or spectacular, but good enough to get by. And I miss my old house. Especially my kitchen. It was wonderful and special. Not just fine. I wonder if the people who live there know how special that house is, or is it just fine to them?

I miss my family and friends back home. It still feels like we are new here. We have been here a year, but still trying to find our place and where we fit in. Some of the kids are well adjusted, making friends, and enjoying life. Several are still longing for home, missing friends and family, and wondering what we are doing here. I am with the latter group. It is hard to see my children sad, lonely, and longing for what was.

During this time of melancholy, sadness, sleep deprivation or whatever else you want to call it, it often seems like things won't change. Even when I know that we are very blessed to have 6 healthy children, my husband has a good and stable job, we have a fine house to live in, reliable vehicles to drive, and food to eat. We are blessed. I know this. But, I long for something more. Some connection to this new place, some hope that we will get healthy and leave the house again, that we will feel that we belong here, that God loves me, even though I am a whiner at times, and that something good is going to come of our move here.

These are times when I especially need to lean on God's word, but when it is the hardest for me to open the Bible. The very thing I need to do, is the hardest for me to do. And as soon as I get into the Word, things fall into place and my spirits lift. Even when nothing has actually changed. Isn't that just like God? And then the Hee Haw song becomes funny to me, instead of feeling like my life song. Because it really is a silly song, and I don't believe in luck at all. Rather my heavenly Father looking out for me and my family. And doing what is best for us, even when we don't understand, or appreciate his efforts.


  1. I'm sorry it's been a hard transition. I am blessed to live in the same city I grew up in with my mom and dad about a half mile from us in the same neighborhood. My kids swim for the same swim team I swam for. We work out at the same gym where I grew up. My kids get to go to our family ranches even more often than I did. You get the idea. It's been a hard adjustment for my husband, however, who is from Indiana where there are trees and lakes. In all fairness we met in Texas so I always tease him that he chose to be a Texan, but it's been tough for him. His parents moved here to be close to us several years ago and that's been nice, but it's not the same as home to him, even after 11 years! Now he's thinking we may need to move, possibly. I've been thinking about how hard it would be to leave everyone and everything here. It would be so hard! But like you said, God's in control and if He has us move I have to trust that He's going to do something in our lives through it. Somehow we'll draw closer to Him or our faith will increase or we'll be able to better relate to Christ's sufferings. Anyway, know that I'm sorry for your being homesick and praying that either God will move you back or show you what He's doing with you all there.

  2. I'm so sorry you are struggling with these issues, but unfortunately, I know exactly what you mean! We're 3+ years here in GA and just finally, maybe, beginning to look at this like our home. Well, maybe not 'home' in the truest sense of the word, but home for now. I still can't say that I like it here. However, God is good and continually places great people in our lives that I'm honored to call my friends. Is it perfect? FAR from it, but I KNOW there is a reason we're here... likewise, there is a reason you're there and I pray that God reveals it to you and soon (and clearly!) :)
    Will continue to pray for you to find peace in CO.

  3. I am sorry, and do not want to be rude by not reading this post, but I do not have much time right now. I DID want to come over here to answer your questions about the chicken pizza.
    Yes, everyone loved the pizza. In fact, my oldest son said, "I did not expect to like it, but I have to admit that I am impressed!"
    Of course, we only used 1/2 of the ranch dressing because, as I explained in the post, we mixed it with canned mushroom soup for lack of having mushrooms on hand. I am sure we would have like it with the ranch dressing alone if we had done it that way, but my husband thought it seemed more expensive to use so much dressing, so I don't know if we ever will do it without the soup mixed in.
    your Alfredo sauce sounds delicious, too, and I think we will have to try it that way sometime. Kat's bead IS great for the crust. What did you use for your crust?

    Thanks for visiting!

  4. Amy,

    I have been right where you are so many times. It seems like it goes around and goes around again. And sometimes even again. There have been winters when we could not leave the house for 3 months! And the thoughts that you will never have a full night's sleep again can really get you down. And the inability to comfort children in pain even more depressing. But how wonderful that we have the great Physician to call upon. The one who alone can heal all sickness even sickness of the heart called despair.

    Here's hoping for a sick free winter!

  5. Ha! Amy, I read this with a whole new perspective when we are on our eighteenth day of the flu. Yes, I am counting. My own nose has been rubbed so raw and red it is all but bleeding. I do thank God that this is the worst that we have to worry about and I know that soon it will be a think of the past. I have to laugh at your intro a little bit again, though.



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