Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Do you know this song? I grew up with this song on Hee Haw. Hee Haw is a part of my childhood. When we were home visiting this summer, Hee Haw was on at my parents' home. It has to be a least 20 years since I last saw this show, but I knew every song they sang. On numerous episodes. And I still think that Roy Clark looks an awful lot like my Aunt DJ.
Anyways, this song has been running through my mind lately. Not the part about bad luck, but the part about gloom and despair. There is something about sickness that is passed through multiple kids, and then recycled, that really starts to get to me. Especially when I don't leave the house for days on end, see another adult other than hubby, and have an adult conversation that does not center entirely on the state of health of the people residing in my house. It also doesn't help when I haven't had a good night sleep for days. And it is only the middle of October. It is a long way to summer time.
This gloom and despair has brought about a wave of homesickness. I have been thinking fondly of, and longing for our house back home. We built it and I loved that house. The house we have now is fine. Nothing special about it. It is just fine. When I was a kid, my mom would ask my dad how she looked and he would say she looked "Fine". This made my mom so mad. Now I know what fine means. It means it will do; nothing special, or spectacular, but good enough to get by. And I miss my old house. Especially my kitchen. It was wonderful and special. Not just fine. I wonder if the people who live there know how special that house is, or is it just fine to them?
I miss my family and friends back home. It still feels like we are new here. We have been here a year, but still trying to find our place and where we fit in. Some of the kids are well adjusted, making friends, and enjoying life. Several are still longing for home, missing friends and family, and wondering what we are doing here. I am with the latter group. It is hard to see my children sad, lonely, and longing for what was.
During this time of melancholy, sadness, sleep deprivation or whatever else you want to call it, it often seems like things won't change. Even when I know that we are very blessed to have 6 healthy children, my husband has a good and stable job, we have a fine house to live in, reliable vehicles to drive, and food to eat. We are blessed. I know this. But, I long for something more. Some connection to this new place, some hope that we will get healthy and leave the house again, that we will feel that we belong here, that God loves me, even though I am a whiner at times, and that something good is going to come of our move here.
These are times when I especially need to lean on God's word, but when it is the hardest for me to open the Bible. The very thing I need to do, is the hardest for me to do. And as soon as I get into the Word, things fall into place and my spirits lift. Even when nothing has actually changed. Isn't that just like God? And then the Hee Haw song becomes funny to me, instead of feeling like my life song. Because it really is a silly song, and I don't believe in luck at all. Rather my heavenly Father looking out for me and my family. And doing what is best for us, even when we don't understand, or appreciate his efforts.